Blogtober 30

Episode 30

One more day of Blogtober and then Blogtober and I will meet again in 2019 – hopefully! And with a lot more preparation beforehand. These last few weeks haven’t been the best. There have been a few highlights and I’ve tried to remain as positive and motivated as possible, if not with the blog, then in my real life instead.

I really caused a bad flare up in my arms following almost crashing my car. And with the sudden drop in temperature, my wee hips are sore too. Even now 15 days on, I am still struggling to wash/brush my hair, put my bra on, let alone tie my birds’ nest of ‘what are supposed to be’curls into a ponytail. Sometimes I really, really hate being in pain.

What’s funny is that I rarely cry but when something so strong as morphine only takes the pain slightly away – I feel stuck! Trapped! Forced to stay in bed with absolutely no escape! It makes me feel super frustrated and fed up! Naturally, I would say during these times, my depression hits a new low.

The thing is I’m unsure if I want to cry through the frustration of being unable to do most things I should be able to do or if I have just given up that day. Surprisingly, I only tend to cry when watching videos on Facebook or Youtube of people dancing at their weddings, dogs seeing long lost family or happy cutesy videos.

Tonight I felt the urge to cry but instead decided to update you guys instead and try to distract myself with something else.

Today was an interesting day. Having moved to a new town back in August it would have been much easier to have walked ten minutes into the town and went about my errands. However, due to the pain, I was forced to drive to each location – whether I liked it or not. It’s so disappointing as the sun was shining although relatively cold – I think it was -1 °c  but I was dressed up like a sphynx in the snow. Sphynx’s are those hairless cats, right? What an odd example – morphine brings out the weirdness in me.

Today I had to take three separate dosages of paracetamol to try and get me through the pain but sadly it only relieved the pain for approx 1.5 hours and then I waited eagerly in pain for my next dosage. I did manage to go to the bank, get help filling in a capability for work form – I believe it is the exact same form as what Employment and Support Allowance (ESA) had, however, they have renamed it for people claiming Universal Credit.

I have since found out that although it may be determined that I need more support, there is no more financial increase after decision made about my completed form. It is to prevent the need for me to go and speak to my work coach every other week. My work coach is lovely and as I mentioned in the last post, she believes that I should return working either in a voluntary sense or part-time hours to ease myself back into work if I feel fit.

I felt ready on Day 15 of Blogtober to try and return to work but as of the last 15 days my motivation has come and gone.

On that note, speak to you tomorrow, Amy.




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