Step in the right direction

Today, I decided to take a chance and take myself out of my comfort zone slightly. I usually panic if I have to go somewhere without being given ample time to work out where I am going? What is the quickest route? When is the return train/bus home? Will I be fit enough to travel, walk around and make it back home; without too much pain? And these are some of the reasons that I don’t tend to go somewhere without ample research beforehand.

To give you a glimpse into my day; I struggle to go somewhere where I have no control over the plans. I.e. going on a day out with friends and being unsure of something as simple as when we are going for lunch? Where are we thinking of going? Can I access it safely? Will it be in time to allow me to take medication at noon and 4pm on the dot? I can suffer withdrawals quickly, if I don’t take them on time. That means if I fail to take them on time I will become agitated and stressed out about the situation. As you can imagine I fear being spontaneous; as I’m unsure if my body will allow me to enjoy, without the stress and anxiety that will occur without the planning.

But today I decided to make baby steps… I have lived in this area now for about six months, yet I’ve only ventured into the village maybe a handful of time for the odd appointment to the dentist, beauticians or to pick up a prescription at the chemist and I choose a quiet route that gets me there and back without seeing a lot of people. Yet, after this trip to the chemist, I decided to be brave!

I decided to make a quick, spontaneous decision and forced myself to wander into a local pub and order a drink, take it outside and sit in the beer garden by myself, surrounded by others and enjoy the sunshine. This was a massive step for me, as I have only ever been here once before for one drink with my parents and usually I won’t venture into a place unless I know the layout.

But I think that has a lot to do with being used to having crutches and needing to know if I could move around safely, without being a nuisance to anyone. Funnily enough, I need to remind myself that I don’t have to think like that and and my mindset can change for the better, it’s just a little more difficult; as I have had the same concerns on and off for 16 years.

I’ll be honest, I was totally grateful for having my mobile phone, I was able to listen to music quietly which allowed me to stay calm and make an awkward situation, a little more manageable. It was definitely a little nerve racking but I managed to stay the length of time that it took me to slowly drink a coca cola and enjoy some of the sunshine.

I also had a wee chat with a woman who worked there – she seemed down to earth and easy to talk to. She suggested I visit the pub in the evening and get to know some of the locals more. She said it wouldn’t feel like I was in the pub on my own, other people make an effort. I’ll be honest though, I haven’t found the courage yet, but never say never!!

Until next time…