It’s tough knowing that the one person you want to lean on; is the person that hurt you. You feel angry at yourself for allowing yourself to be supported by them. It’s confusing when I can enjoy spending time with them but then don’t know whether I feel great when they leave. I feel sorry for myself but then angry that I’m still sad. I’m confused and I’m frustrated. I don’t know how to feel.
Researching break ups – they recommend to stay away and to grieve but I fear that I would then lose the friend that I have made over the past 5 years and I feel that at least something good should come from it. I also question whether this ‘friend’ thing is going to work? It seems odd and I have to be honest, I find it hard to not fall back in to having the same feelings, I had.
At times, I feel strong. I feel distracted at work which is good and at times I am happy. I feel that since I lost my friend in all this drama, it reminds me what I am missing. She will never be a friend to me and I know that once this is all over, I will be happy to learn what she is really like. What friend makes a massive mistake like that one and not try to own up or apologise. But I am being the bigger person, I miss having a close friend but I don’t miss her in particular, she’s not worth it.
I’m proud of my restraint. The younger more immature me, may have reacted differently. In fact, I know that I would definitely have reacted different but is it really worth all my energy? It’s not like I am going to gain anything from it?
I think I am just trying to deal with multiple changes at once and I’m taking a little longer to process them. I’ve been with someone for 5 years, we climbed hurdles and although we made it, evidently our relationship was no longer meant to be. Now I am off my medication; I feel like the old me is back and I am disappointed that this side of me disappeared for four years due to being in constant pain and doped up on medication. It saddens me that we cannot enjoy this more energetic side of me and I feel saddened that the past few years were based on a small percentage of who I actually am and I can’t amend it.
So maybe what I am trying to say is; I’m sorry I am distant. I’m sorry I’m not posting but I can’t imagine these are the kind of posts people want to read. I appreciate that life moves on and what may be a struggle for one person, may be a new opportunity for others and maybe that time will come. I think I just need to climb a few more hurdles.
Until next time.